Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
