so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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