dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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