The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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