I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
