shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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