I need to stop coming to work sober
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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