You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
