just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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