from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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