my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
its not stalking. its research.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
