i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
