I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
