I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
