Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
