dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
