Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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