$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
