she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
