You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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