He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
