Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
