I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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