she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
