the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
