i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
