i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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