i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just invented taco cereal.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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