Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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