someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
