Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
