I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
