I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
