I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
