yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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