My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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