I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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