what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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