the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
