from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
