piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
