Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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