you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
