Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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