meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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