plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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