Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
