I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
