Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
