HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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