I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
